Narcissistic Personality Disorder and
Borderline Personality Disorder:
The Danger for Their Friends, Family, and Partners
Before we begin this in-depth article, if you prefer to listen to a summary podcast of it,
you can do so here.
Before we begin with this in depth article, if you prefer to listen to a summary podcast of this article, you could find it at the top of this article.
Introduction
The purpose of this article is to better understand these disorders and to provide concrete help to those who are experiencing or have experienced this type of relationship.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are complex psychological conditions that profoundly affect how individuals perceive themselves, interact with others, and navigate their personal relationships. Dr. Otto Kernberg, a renowned psychoanalyst, has made significant contributions to our understanding of these disorders, highlighting their distinct characteristics as well as their potential interconnections.
In this article, I have added typical phrases to recognize these disorders in an individual. You will also find the reasons why an individual who has experienced these toxic relationships may feel confused and guilty, and I have included numerous therapy methods that can be used directly by oneself. This topic particularly touches me, having witnessed the behaviors and especially the destructive effects on the environment of individuals with this type of personality disorder.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Kernberg considers NPD as a severe personality disorder with an underlying borderline personality organization. The main characteristics (depending on the type of narcissist, see below) include:
Construction of a "pathological grandiose self" as a defense mechanism.
Combination of idealized aspects of self, others, and aspirations.
Devaluation of others and denial of the need for others.
Appearance of integration and self-sufficiency on the surface.
Excessive self-preoccupation and need for admiration without reciprocity in relationships.
Simultaneous internal feeling of grandiosity and emptiness.
There are several types of narcissists, whose traits differ greatly.
Here’s an overview of different types:
The grandiose narcissist: This is the "classic" type that often comes to mind. It is characterized by an exaggerated sense of importance, a belief in their superiority, and a constant need for admiration. They tend to exaggerate their achievements and exploit others.
The vulnerable narcissist: Unlike the grandiose type, the vulnerable narcissist presents low self-esteem masked by a facade of superiority. They are hypersensitive to criticism and can easily feel hurt or humiliated.
The malignant narcissist: This type combines narcissistic traits with antisocial behaviors. They can be manipulative, vindictive, and take pleasure in hurting others.
The covert (or hidden) narcissist: They maintain a modest appearance in public but nurture grandiose fantasies in private. They may feel envy towards those who succeed or attract attention.
The communal narcissist: This type derives their validation from belonging to a group or community they consider superior.
The antagonistic narcissist: They are characterized by a tendency to put others down to feel superior.
It is important to note that these categories are not mutually exclusive and a person may exhibit traits of several types. Moreover, narcissism exists on a spectrum, ranging from "normal" personality traits to diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Understanding these different types can help better identify and manage relationships with people exhibiting narcissistic traits.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Kernberg sees BPD as characterized by:
Intense oral aggression and rage in response to early deprivation.
Development of pathological defenses against this rage.
Splitting as a key defense mechanism.
Difficulty forming stable transfers in therapy.
Relationship between NPD and BPD
Kernberg postulates that:
NPD is a defense against an underlying borderline personality organization.
The narcissistic structure is built to protect against fragmentation and intense aggression characteristic of BPD.
In treatment, as narcissistic defenses are worked through, the underlying borderline structure becomes apparent.
Examples for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Behaviors:
Lack of empathy for others.
Exaggeration of their own achievements and talents.
Expectation of constant recognition without reciprocity.
Exploitation of others to achieve their own goals.
Overreaction to criticism, even minor.
Tendency to interrupt others in conversations.
Constant need to be the center of attention.
Typical phrases:
"I knew from the moment I met you that we were soulmates."
"I've always dreamed of meeting someone like you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"No one else can understand our special relationship."
"If you love me, then you must let me do as I want."
"You're crazy." (to make the other doubt their perception)
"It's okay, it's just a joke." (to minimize their hurtful remarks)
"It's not bragging, I'm simply better than everyone else."
"You should feel lucky to be with someone like me."
"You're just jealous of my success and popularity."
"No one else could do this job as well as I do."
Examples for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Behaviors:
Rapid alternation between idealization and devaluation of others.
Impulsivity.
Intense fear of abandonment.
Rapid and intense mood changes.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Unstable and intense relationships.
Impulsivity in at least two potentially self-destructive areas (e.g., relationships and spending).
Recurrent suicidal or self-harming behaviors.
Chronic feeling of emptiness.
Typical phrases:
"I love you so much, you're perfect... No, actually, I hate you, you're horrible!"
"If you leave me, I'll hurt myself."
"I feel empty inside, I don't really know who I am."
"Everything is either totally good or totally bad, there's no in-between."
"Don't leave me, I can't live without you."
"I hate you, don't leave me alone."
"No one can understand what I feel."
"Why does everyone always end up abandoning me?"
"Everything feels so intense, I can't handle it."
"One minute I'm fine, the next I'm falling apart. I can't control it."
These examples illustrate the key differences between the two disorders while showing how they can be related, as theorized by Kernberg.
Effects on Personal Relationships
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
People with NPD can have a significant negative impact on their relationships:
Couple: Tendency to emotionally exploit their partner, lack of empathy, frequent infidelity, excessive jealousy.
Friends: Difficulty maintaining deep friendships, using others for their own benefit, inability to offer reciprocal emotional support.
Family: Manipulation of family members, unrealistic expectations, frequent conflicts due to their constant need for attention and admiration.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Individuals suffering from BPD may also encounter significant relational difficulties:
Couple: Unstable and intense relationships, rapid alternation between idealization and devaluation of the partner, fear of abandonment leading to excessive behaviors.
Friends: Difficulty maintaining stable friendships, frequent emotional crises, intense emotional demands that can exhaust those around them.
Family: Recurrent conflicts, difficulties managing boundaries, significant emotional impact on loved ones.
Potential Dangers
Impact on the EntourageThose close to people with NPD or BPD may experience:
Emotional exhaustion.
Lowered self-esteem.
Anxiety and depression.
Difficulties maintaining healthy boundaries.
Vicarious trauma: Loved ones may develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress due to constant exposure to unstable or abusive behaviors.
Codependency: Risk for loved ones to develop codependent behaviors, constantly trying to "save" or "fix" the person with the disorder.
Social isolation: Friends and family may gradually distance themselves, not knowing how to handle difficult behaviors.
Both disorders have significant effects on personal, couple, friendly, and family relationships. People with NPD may have difficulty maintaining deep and reciprocal relationships, while those with BPD may have unstable and intense relationships. Potential dangers include social isolation, risks of self-harm, and professional and financial instability. The entourage may experience emotional exhaustion, lowered self-esteem, and anxiety.
Understanding Guilt and Confusion After Narcissistic Abuse
An individual who has suffered abuse from a narcissist often feels guilty and confused for several reasons:
Manipulation and distortion of reality: The narcissist uses manipulation techniques such as guilt-tripping and value reversal. They project their own faults onto the victim, creating mental confusion.
Alternation between idealization and devaluation: The narcissist alternates between moments of intense affection and periods of criticism and humiliation. This inconsistency destabilizes the victim and leaves them confused about the true nature of the relationship.
Invalidation of emotions: When the victim expresses their suffering or anger, the narcissist invalidates their emotions, which can lead the victim to doubt their own perception of reality.
Ingrained beliefs and self-harassment: The victim internalizes devaluing beliefs during the abusive relationship. These thoughts persist even after the end of the relationship, creating a "psychological self-harassment."
Denial and minimization: To avoid the shame and guilt of "being" a victim, the person may deny or minimize the abuse they have suffered.
Unconscious responsibility: Victims often carry an unconscious part of responsibility in the situation, which can contribute to feelings of guilt.
Loss of identity: As a result of being subjected to narcissistic abuse, the victim may lose their sense of identity and adopt a "false identity" developed in the context of the abuse.
These combined factors explain why victims of narcissistic abuse often feel guilty and confused, even after leaving the toxic relationship.
Additional Effects and Dangers
For people with NPD:
Financial problems: Tendency to overspend to maintain a grandiose image, which can lead to debt.
Legal difficulties: Possibility of engaging in illegal activities to maintain their status or image.
Substance abuse: Increased risk of developing addiction problems to manage stress or maintain their sense of superiority.
For people with BPD:
Risk behaviors: Dangerous driving, risky sexual practices, pathological gambling.
Eating disorders: Increased risk of developing disorders such as anorexia or bulimia.
Parenting difficulties: Problems providing a stable and secure environment for children.
Dangers for society:
Professional impact: These disorders can affect productivity and workplace atmosphere, creating toxic environments.
Costs for the healthcare system: Frequent use of health services, particularly psychiatric emergencies for BPD.
It is important to note that these effects and dangers are not inevitable and that, with appropriate treatment and adequate support, many people with NPD or BPD can learn to effectively manage their symptoms and significantly improve their quality of life and relationships.
Conclusion
Understanding the nuances of NPD and BPD, as described by Dr. Kernberg and other experts, is crucial for the diagnosis, treatment, and support of affected individuals. Although these disorders present significant challenges, both for the individuals who suffer from them and for those around them, it's important to note that they can be effectively treated with appropriate therapeutic approaches, such as Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP).Awareness of these disorders, ongoing research, and access to quality mental health care are essential to improve the lives of people with NPD and BPD, as well as those of their loved ones. Ultimately, with the right support and treatment, it is possible for these individuals to develop healthier relationships and lead a more fulfilling life.
Therapeutic or Psychological Methods for Self-Help
To go further with therapeutic or psychological methods that someone in this situation can use by themselves:
Self-administered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):
Identify automatic negative thoughts and challenge them.
Use CBT worksheets available online to restructure your thoughts.
Mindfulness and Meditation:
Practice mindfulness exercises to stay grounded in the present.
Use apps like Headspace or Calm for guided meditations.
Gradual Exposure Technique:
Create a hierarchy of anxiety-inducing situations related to the abuse.
Gradually expose yourself to these situations to reduce anxiety.
Expressive Writing:
Write for 15-20 minutes daily about your traumatic experiences.
Focus on your deep emotions and thoughts.
Visualization Technique:
Imagine yourself in a safe and peaceful place.
Practice this visualization regularly to reduce stress.
Positive Affirmations:
Create and repeat affirmations that counteract the abuser's negative messages.
Empty Chair Technique:
Imagine the abuser in an empty chair and express your feelings.
Then, sit in that chair and respond as you would have liked them to respond.
Art Therapy:
Express your emotions through drawing, painting, or any other form of art.
Lifeline Technique:
Draw a line representing your life, marking positive and negative events.
Identify moments of strength and resilience.
These techniques can be helpful, but it's important to note that they don't replace professional therapy, especially in cases of severe trauma.
Therapeutic Methods for Self-Help
For individuals who have experienced relationships with narcissistic or borderline personalities, or for those who suspect they might have these traits themselves, here are some therapeutic methods and psychological approaches that can be used independently:
Mindfulness and Meditation
Practicing mindfulness and meditation can help:
Reduce anxiety and stress
Improve emotional regulation
Increase self-awareness
Enhance overall well-being
Regular practice of mindfulness can help individuals become more aware of their thoughts and emotions, allowing them to respond more consciously rather than react impulsively.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Techniques
While CBT is typically done with a therapist, some techniques can be practiced independently:
Identifying and challenging negative thought patterns
Using thought records to track and analyze thoughts and emotions
Practicing cognitive restructuring to develop more balanced thinking
Setting realistic goals and working towards them systematically
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills
DBT, originally developed for borderline personality disorder, offers valuable skills that can be learned and practiced independently:
Mindfulness: Staying present in the moment
Distress Tolerance: Coping with difficult situations without making them worse
Emotion Regulation: Understanding and managing emotions effectively
Interpersonal Effectiveness: Improving communication and relationship skills
Journaling
Regular journaling can be a powerful tool for:
Processing emotions and experiences
Gaining insights into patterns of thoughts and behaviors
Tracking progress and personal growth
Expressing feelings in a safe, private space
Self-Compassion Exercises
Developing self-compassion is crucial, especially for those who have experienced narcissistic abuse:
Practicing self-kindness and understanding towards oneself
Recognizing common humanity in suffering
Mindfulness of one's experiences without over-identification
Boundary Setting
Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is essential:
Identifying personal limits and values
Communicating boundaries clearly and assertively
Practicing saying "no" when necessary
Respecting others' boundaries as well
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or "Tapping"
This technique combines elements of cognitive therapy and acupressure:
Tapping on specific points on the body while focusing on negative emotions or experiences
Can help reduce stress, anxiety, and negative emotions
Psychoeducation
Learning about narcissistic and borderline personality disorders can be empowering:
Reading books and articles from reputable sources
Watching educational videos or attending webinars
Joining support groups (online or in-person) to share experiences and learn from others
Gratitude Practice
Cultivating gratitude can shift focus from negative experiences:
Keeping a daily gratitude journal
Expressing appreciation to others regularly
Reflecting on positive aspects of life, even during difficult times
Physical Self-Care
Taking care of physical health can significantly impact mental well-being:
Regular exercise
Maintaining a balanced diet
Ensuring adequate sleep
Engaging in relaxation techniques like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation
It's important to note that while these methods can be helpful, they are not substitutes for professional help when needed. If symptoms are severe or persistent, it's crucial to seek support from a qualified mental health professional.
Concrete Solutions
Join a support group: Look for local or online support groups specifically for survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Seek therapy: Consider working with a therapist experienced in treating trauma and narcissistic abuse.
Establish clear boundaries: If you must maintain contact with the abuser, set and enforce strict boundaries regarding communication and interactions.
Practice self-care: Develop a routine that includes exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep.
Reconnect with friends and family: Reach out to people you may have been isolated from during the abusive relationship.
Educate yourself: Learn about narcissistic abuse and its effects to better understand your experience.
Journal: Write about your experiences and emotions as a way to process them.
Avoid retaliation: Resist the urge to engage with or retaliate against the abuser.
Focus on personal growth: Set new goals for yourself and work towards them.
Practice emotional regulation: Learn techniques to manage intense emotions.
Consider temporary lifestyle changes: If possible, consider changing your routine or even your living situation to create a fresh start.
Be patient with yourself: Healing takes time. Recognize that recovery is a process and it's okay to have setbacks.
Final Thoughts
Remember, you are resilient and capable of healing. The journey may be challenging, but it can also lead to profound personal transformation and empowerment. Take one day at a time, and don't hesitate to reach out for support when needed. You deserve to live a fulfilling and joyful life free from the shadows of past abuse.Feel free to adjust any sections or formatting as needed!